It just gets louder…

In today’s society, those of us with “large” families kind of stick out.  We have seven children.  A few years ago, I would ahve considered this a large family, and I suppose I still do a little bit.  But the truth is, you get used to it.  It’s not like we sit around on a daily basis and think to ourselves, “Wow…  how’d this happen?  (um, and yes, we do what causes it, thank you very much for asking…).  We go on with our lives like everyone else does and we play the hand we’ve been dealt and we adjust.  

It’s kind of interesting how the perception of “what we can handle” changes as time goes on.  Back when we had two kids, having four or five seemed like a remarkably difficult thing.   When we had three, five or six seemed insane.   When we had four, six or seven seemed ridiculous to imagine.  This continued on merrily until we’re here today with seven kids and now the thought of nine or ten seems like it’s too much too handle.   We’re now to the point where if a couple of our kids visit Granpa and Grandma for a weekend and we “only” have five, we’re like “This isn’t even parenting!  What a piece of cake!”

Anyway, back to the culture we live in, where having four kids is considered insurmountable odds.   I can’t complain, in general, about the response I receive when I am asked about my family.  Oh, I hear all those “tongue-in-cheek” comments about getting fixed or what-not from the occasional person, but all in all people react with a mix of appreciation and astonishment.  The conversation inevitably has some variation of the phrase “That’s great that you can do it.   I never could.”

When asked how I can handle all of them, my general answer is that because the oldest kids actually grow and are taught to assist and be responsible and stuff, you kind of reach this critical mass of work around the four or five kid mark.   After that, it just gets louder.

I don’t think people really believe me, but it’s true.   I think what people can’t get past is that I am not saying the work ends or alleviates any time soon.  I’m not saying it’s not a sacrifice.  I’m not saying that I will be saddened the last day I ever put on a diaper.  I’m not saying that my wife isn’t tied down in many ways to a nursing baby.  What I am saying is you reach a point where there’s only so much you can do, and you make determinations about what is really important for you, your family, and your children.  And in the end, I really believe the whole group is all the happier for it. 

We don’t buy in to certain cultural norms that seem to think it’s cute or OK for the kids to fight with or not like each other.  The kids need special permission to exclude their family members from activities they are engaging in.  The norm is that we don’t do that.  I can honestly say that all of our kids like all their brothers and sisters (not that there aren’t certain times where they get mad at each other.  That would be crazy talk.)  All in all, we have really tried to strike a balance between letting them be kids and giving them responsibility.

I think it also actually helps that we homeschool.  People can’t seem to grasp that homeschooling may be a huge commitment, but it’s probably less stressful overall than running around to all the different school activities and teachers conferences while holding a job and trying to worry about daycare and all those things.  For as many questions as I get about “How do you do it?” I look at what other people are doing, which is the accepted norm, and I ask, “How do you do it?”  You can say whatever you want about the reasons for or against homeschooling, but what i can tell you is that we have plenty of friends who have otherwise good kids, and the parents are becoming frustrated at the attitude these kids pick up from their peers.  It doesn’t have to be big stuff, but it pretty much comes down to “I’m the center of the Universe, you and the rest of the family should cater to my needs, and by the way, you’re really kind of dumb and don’t understand me.”   Obviously, it’s not every kid, but there are enough stories of that where I look at my own family and think “Thanks God.”

Now, I’m not an idiot, even though I play one on the internet.   I realize that these young skulls do think on their own and at some point may well think I’m dumb, or too strict, or whatever.  But I think we can work with that and teach them that they have a right to opinions, but there is an expectation of respect.   That will be enough to deal with without them getting fed all sorts of garbage from their peer group.

But I digress a bit, as I often do.  

I guess I just want to present reality to people from someone who has been there.  If you think my wife and I went into our marriage thinking “Wouldn’t it be great to have 7 kids?” then you’re wrong.  We were caught up in things like many others and placed ourselves and our own plans and goals ahead of such frivolous foolishness like actually bringing more life into the world.  And while our attitude on that changed markedly over time, with every step along the way we admittedly did not necessarily think to ourselves that this is the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Announcements of newly expected kids were met with a combination of joy, anxiety, questioning, nervousness, fear, excitement, and a general hope that we would be able to keep our sanity.    But as with most things, once you accept it and move on, you realize that not only can you handle it, but it’s a huge blessing.

I don’t accept it when the people say to me “I couldn’t do it.”   No, really, you choose not to do it (unless you have a physical impediment or other major issue to deal with).   Just be honest about it.  If you had to do it, you could.  You may not beleive it, but you may actually like it. 

A larger family forces you into choices that bring about simplicity.  But I see this as a positive.   One of the reasons why parents with two kids can’t imagine having more kids these days is because they have the kids involved in every damn thing that comes along.   Any parent with two or three kids in hockey aroound here puts nearly every weekend on the shelf for about six months.  You want insane?  That’s insane.   Every kid needs to be in music lessons, dance, three sports, on top of daycare and school activities.  Everything is scheduled.   It’s no  wonder the idea of more kids is incomprehensible. 

I’m here to tell you that you are not doing your kids a disservice by saying “You can pick one thing.  When you get older, we’ll talk about whether or not you can do more than one thing.”   Our kids are not being run all over the place.  We tell them to go outside, even if they don’t want to.  Inevitably, they build a fort or ride their bikes, or sled in the snow.  They act like kids unconcerned about a schedule of events.  Video games are severely restricted.  We have a Sony Playstation 1, and about the only games we have are football, scrabble, a racing game, and the old classics like Pac-Man and Centipede and stuff.  They are allowed to play it only on Sundays, and only when it’s raining or severely cold.   In other words, they play it maybe a half-dozen times a year. 

This lack of access to a gameboy and a relatively unscheduled life allows and forces them to do things like read, or play, or pretend, or practice piano, or go camping, or do homework.   What a concept.

But I think I’m digressing again…

I’ll wrap it up now.  But, in the spirit of recognizing that all these little packets of energy can really tap your own energy, I leave you with my personal mantra:   “The years fly by, but the days seem to last forever.”

Doing Stuff You Don’t Wanna Do But You Should Do and are Glad you Did

Originally posted on http://digitaldiatribes.wordpress.com on March 14, 2007.

Everyone raise their hands if you have said you’d do something, and then when that something is an hour away you don’t feel like doing it.

Really?  I’m the only one?

I’m pretty pathetic.  And lazy.  But even that isn’t a great explanation for the constant struggle I have with getting involved with outside activities.  I fear I have turned into my father.  God bless him, this is a man who still lives on the plot of land he was born on, and he plans on staying there until he’s pushing up Daisies (hopefully not for a number of years in the future).  If you told my Dad that he was not allowed to leave the farm for the rest of his days, and he’d be allowed only to read the paper and eat a bowl of ice cream for entertainment every day, he’d pinch himself and openly wonder if he’d just passed away and entered the Pearly Gates.

I have always enjoyed a certain amount of sociability.  But as I grow older, I find myself growing away from the need for sociability.  I desire little more than coming home, taking care of a few things, eating dinner with the family, and hanging around home.  Oh, and reading the paper and eating ice cream.  Granted, unlike my Dad, I do enjoy a night out occasionally, but that night out to me is much more appealing if it’s just Wendy and me as opposed to a larger party.

And yet, when I am in those social situations that I think I loathe, I invariably enjoy myself and realize that I really need it.  It’s just kind of weird, actually.  You’d think that I’d figure out that I enjoy it, and would want to do it more often.  But this is me we’re talking about, so I guess it is what it is.

But now I’ve taken this schizophrenia to a whole new level.   I now dread other things that I enjoy.  I think I’ve developed some irrational idea that anything at all – good or bad – that gets me out of routine is somehow a bad thing.   Sigh.  We’re back to the whole “balance” thing again, aren’t we?

Lately, a couple things have struck me.  I feel almost guilty confessing them, because I’m exposing myself as a selfish person who doesn’t even want to offer my time to God.  I’m in a Bible Study on the book of Revelation.  We meet once a week.  It is very interesting and well worth my time.  I learn a lot, and since this is a topic I’ve spent a good deal of time reading about on my own, I also feel that I have something to offer.  By all accounts, I should want to go to this class/study each week.

I don’t.

It never fails.  I try to come up with excuses as to why I should blow it off.  I have something to do.  I’m tired.  I’ve been busy lately.   And so on.   Now, that’s not to say there will never be times that my family won’t need me and I should put them before this class.   But that’s really not what’s happening.   And so, I go to class, somewhat reluctantly.  And every single time when class is done, I am happy I have attended.

I’m an idiot.   But you already knew that.

Even worse is the Tuesday evening commitment to Eucharistic Adoration.  Granted, it’s a bit of a drive for us and it’s from 10:00 PM – 11:00 PM.  But it’s not like I don’t stay up that late on a normal evening anyway.   And it’s not like we have anything else going on at that time of the evening.  In fact, those reasons are the very reason we chose that time slot.   And it’s a visit with our very Lord, in His very presence.

But at about 9:25 PM on Tuesday night, I’d rather watch TV.   How stupid is that?

And so on the nights where I go, I drag my feet and shuffle out the door, wishing I didn’t have to go.  And once again, at some point during the hour, I realize that I am at peace, and enjoying my time.  I realize that it is where I am supposed to be.  I feel there is little else that could have made the hour more worthwhile.

But next week, will I remember that?  Heck no.

And so it goes.  I’m not sure of the point I’m driving home here.  Maybe it’s that I’m a loser and nobody else seems to be.  Or maybe it’s that others go through the same thing.  Maybe it’s to pass on that we all struggle with things that we realize we shouldn’t even struggle with, but we do anyway.   And maybe it’s to provide some emotional support for people who beat themselves up about not having the energy to feel exuberant about participating in all good things under the Sun.   Maybe it’s to point out that we sometimes need to force ourselves into worthwhile behavior by taking that step of signing our name to the line that says “I’ll be there,” even when we know at the moment we sign that we won’t want to be there.

Just be careful when you tell someone that you’re committed.  You don’t want that taken out of context.

The Need for Balance (NOT a Gymnastics Discussion)

Originally posted on http://digitaldiatribes.wordpress.com on February 16, 2007.

In a previous post, http://personaldiatribes.wordpress.com/2008/11/12/exercising-futility/, I discussed my long, impressive, journey from well-fit exercise maniac to lazy, out-of-shape slug. 

The long and short of it is that other things got in the way.  Some, if not all, of those things are good things.  In general, we all have areas where we feel a lack of accomplishment, and perhaps we feel as if we simply cannot do the things we need to do because of other responsibilities.  And then, there are things that we spend a lot of time doing, and are good things, but we feel as if it’s somehow wrong to even think about scaling them back.

For me, as I pointed out, exercise is clearly lacking.  I can think of other things, too, where I would like to do more than I do.  I may not be Beethoven or Mozart, but I am a musician and I write music.  OK, so I have no huge aspirations for fame and fortune, but I have been working on a CD for, oh, about 8 years now.  When completed, it will be a Contemporary Christian project.  While not expecting it to go Platinum (maybe Gold, though), I would like to sell copies to whomever is interested in it, get it in local radio station hands, etc.   Yet, I simply have not prioritized this.  And don’t even get me started on the fact that I still have not completed my final actuarial exam.

On the flip side, it’s easy to see the lack of balance in your life when you are spending 18 hours a day watching TV.  I’d even argue that if you go golfing a full 18 holes 4 times a week, you may have an issue with your priorities.  But that may just be me.   Less obvious are the things that are inherently good.  Taking time out for prayer, volunteering at church, playing with the children, taking care of housework, being at work, etc.

Let’s look at an example (he says in an instructional tone, as if he knows what he’s talking about).  Mrs. Goodness decides she is going to pray every morning before she starts anything else.   That’s a good thing.   Her child interrupts because he’s hungry (this never happens, but let’s pretend).  She tells the child to practice patience and wait (of course, he does this immediately and without whining).  Fifteen minutes later, she completes her prayer time and gets the child breakfast.  Compare this to Mrs. Goodnesstimestwelve, who also wants to pray every day.  15 minutes into her 20-decade Rosary (which she is reciting backwards in Latin), her child is hungry.  Two hours later, she finishes her prayers and gets the children breakfast, exasperated at the mess in the house and her lack of time to complete other household tasks (like laundry, maybe.  Not that we ever have an issue with that in our house).

That may seem silly, but I’m not sure it is.  Substitute that extreme example with people who cannot say no to a volunteer responsibility, who are running constantly and disrupting the home because of it, and you start to see that even good things can create a lack of balance. Putting your kids in every possible activity is a very popukar purveyor of frustration.

Of course, I am not suggesting these things all must (or should) go.  But it’s easy to overestimate the time available to handle good things, and underestimate the time that should be spent on other things.

Let’s get back to my exercising lamentation.  My wife and I went to a talk given by Father Corapi (a Catholic favorite) some time ago.  He went as far as to say something along the lines of (paraphrasing):  We know exercise is good for us.  Science tells us that we need it to be healthy.  We are a temple of the Holy Spirit.  We have only been given one body.  If you do not exercise and take care of your body, you may well be committing a serious sin.

What a downer.  Sheesh.  He even had to use the word “serious” in there.

Well, I don’t think the Catechism says that exactly, but I do understand his point.  The Catechism doesn’t lay out a list of all potential sins, but arguing that point is like saying curse words isn’t a sin because the Catechism doesn’t list all the offensive words.  His argument makes sense, unfortunately.

So, now suddenly, I need to take into account that exercise is NOT something that should fall by the wayside.  For the love of Pete, it may even be sinful if I let it go.  As if I wasn’t already feeling guilty about it! But in proper balance, I should be able to take away from other things – even good things – in order to take reasonable steps to maintain my health.  Perhaps this demands a certain creativity, and you take a family walk together, or the kids can play downstairs in your company while you lift weights.  Maybe not volunteering for every thing that comes up is better if it means you can actually spend some good old-fashioned time just playing a board game with the family.  There is real value in those things.

It’s a constant struggle.  The “balance reset” probably needs to occur multiple times a year.

Anyway, I think I’ve made my point.  And I could go on, but the demand for balance in my life tells me that I have spent enough time for now on my blog.  Now, I have to go home and prepare for an activity that Wendy volunteered me for.  I haven’t quite figured out how that slots into the whole balance thing.