In today’s society, those of us with “large” families kind of stick out. We have seven children. A few years ago, I would ahve considered this a large family, and I suppose I still do a little bit. But the truth is, you get used to it. It’s not like we sit around on a daily basis and think to ourselves, “Wow… how’d this happen? (um, and yes, we do what causes it, thank you very much for asking…). We go on with our lives like everyone else does and we play the hand we’ve been dealt and we adjust.
It’s kind of interesting how the perception of “what we can handle” changes as time goes on. Back when we had two kids, having four or five seemed like a remarkably difficult thing. When we had three, five or six seemed insane. When we had four, six or seven seemed ridiculous to imagine. This continued on merrily until we’re here today with seven kids and now the thought of nine or ten seems like it’s too much too handle. We’re now to the point where if a couple of our kids visit Granpa and Grandma for a weekend and we “only” have five, we’re like “This isn’t even parenting! What a piece of cake!”
Anyway, back to the culture we live in, where having four kids is considered insurmountable odds. I can’t complain, in general, about the response I receive when I am asked about my family. Oh, I hear all those “tongue-in-cheek” comments about getting fixed or what-not from the occasional person, but all in all people react with a mix of appreciation and astonishment. The conversation inevitably has some variation of the phrase “That’s great that you can do it. I never could.”
When asked how I can handle all of them, my general answer is that because the oldest kids actually grow and are taught to assist and be responsible and stuff, you kind of reach this critical mass of work around the four or five kid mark. After that, it just gets louder.
I don’t think people really believe me, but it’s true. I think what people can’t get past is that I am not saying the work ends or alleviates any time soon. I’m not saying it’s not a sacrifice. I’m not saying that I will be saddened the last day I ever put on a diaper. I’m not saying that my wife isn’t tied down in many ways to a nursing baby. What I am saying is you reach a point where there’s only so much you can do, and you make determinations about what is really important for you, your family, and your children. And in the end, I really believe the whole group is all the happier for it.
We don’t buy in to certain cultural norms that seem to think it’s cute or OK for the kids to fight with or not like each other. The kids need special permission to exclude their family members from activities they are engaging in. The norm is that we don’t do that. I can honestly say that all of our kids like all their brothers and sisters (not that there aren’t certain times where they get mad at each other. That would be crazy talk.) All in all, we have really tried to strike a balance between letting them be kids and giving them responsibility.
I think it also actually helps that we homeschool. People can’t seem to grasp that homeschooling may be a huge commitment, but it’s probably less stressful overall than running around to all the different school activities and teachers conferences while holding a job and trying to worry about daycare and all those things. For as many questions as I get about “How do you do it?” I look at what other people are doing, which is the accepted norm, and I ask, “How do you do it?” You can say whatever you want about the reasons for or against homeschooling, but what i can tell you is that we have plenty of friends who have otherwise good kids, and the parents are becoming frustrated at the attitude these kids pick up from their peers. It doesn’t have to be big stuff, but it pretty much comes down to “I’m the center of the Universe, you and the rest of the family should cater to my needs, and by the way, you’re really kind of dumb and don’t understand me.” Obviously, it’s not every kid, but there are enough stories of that where I look at my own family and think “Thanks God.”
Now, I’m not an idiot, even though I play one on the internet. I realize that these young skulls do think on their own and at some point may well think I’m dumb, or too strict, or whatever. But I think we can work with that and teach them that they have a right to opinions, but there is an expectation of respect. That will be enough to deal with without them getting fed all sorts of garbage from their peer group.
But I digress a bit, as I often do.
I guess I just want to present reality to people from someone who has been there. If you think my wife and I went into our marriage thinking “Wouldn’t it be great to have 7 kids?” then you’re wrong. We were caught up in things like many others and placed ourselves and our own plans and goals ahead of such frivolous foolishness like actually bringing more life into the world. And while our attitude on that changed markedly over time, with every step along the way we admittedly did not necessarily think to ourselves that this is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Announcements of newly expected kids were met with a combination of joy, anxiety, questioning, nervousness, fear, excitement, and a general hope that we would be able to keep our sanity. But as with most things, once you accept it and move on, you realize that not only can you handle it, but it’s a huge blessing.
I don’t accept it when the people say to me “I couldn’t do it.” No, really, you choose not to do it (unless you have a physical impediment or other major issue to deal with). Just be honest about it. If you had to do it, you could. You may not beleive it, but you may actually like it.
A larger family forces you into choices that bring about simplicity. But I see this as a positive. One of the reasons why parents with two kids can’t imagine having more kids these days is because they have the kids involved in every damn thing that comes along. Any parent with two or three kids in hockey aroound here puts nearly every weekend on the shelf for about six months. You want insane? That’s insane. Every kid needs to be in music lessons, dance, three sports, on top of daycare and school activities. Everything is scheduled. It’s no wonder the idea of more kids is incomprehensible.
I’m here to tell you that you are not doing your kids a disservice by saying “You can pick one thing. When you get older, we’ll talk about whether or not you can do more than one thing.” Our kids are not being run all over the place. We tell them to go outside, even if they don’t want to. Inevitably, they build a fort or ride their bikes, or sled in the snow. They act like kids unconcerned about a schedule of events. Video games are severely restricted. We have a Sony Playstation 1, and about the only games we have are football, scrabble, a racing game, and the old classics like Pac-Man and Centipede and stuff. They are allowed to play it only on Sundays, and only when it’s raining or severely cold. In other words, they play it maybe a half-dozen times a year.
This lack of access to a gameboy and a relatively unscheduled life allows and forces them to do things like read, or play, or pretend, or practice piano, or go camping, or do homework. What a concept.
But I think I’m digressing again…
I’ll wrap it up now. But, in the spirit of recognizing that all these little packets of energy can really tap your own energy, I leave you with my personal mantra: “The years fly by, but the days seem to last forever.”
