The Awning

And so it came to pass that the tenth month of the 2009th year was upon us. And with that, the peoples of the land known as Wisconsin began their preparations for the frigid months looming on the horizon of time that years of experience told them awaited. It was a bittersweet period for the Northwoods, as the land was often described. The waning light of morning and evening was unwelcome to many, though a few appreciated the increased darkness. More than that, however, the enjoyers of warm weather were once again facing the dreaded period of cold that was to come.

However, even with the many that would prefer summer warmth, one had to acknowledge to beauty of the current landscape. Early October was the peak time of color on the landscape. a mosaic of yellow, orange, red, and green – of varying brightness and hue, often within the same tree – decorated the view of the attentive observer. One could not help but see the symbolism of one’s own life in the very transition of these different seasons. But, just as the stark reality of death was not looked forward to by most, neither would a cold and harsh winter. And as beautiful and lovely as the early years of retirement may be for an aging man, everyone knew what was to come in future years.

Except for the skiiers and snowshoers. They were just goofy.

With the move from summer to fall came preparation. Many would be canning food from the harvest of their gardens. Others would roll out what the natives referred to as “plastic” to cover the windows on their homes. Others were once again getting accustomed to submitting weekly Fantasy Football lineups. The work never stopped.

One such man had an additional responsibility. His was the labor of driving up to the northern extremities of this strange land – a “state” in the country’s vernacular – in order to engage in a ritual of sorts. This strange ritual was called “closing down the camper” for the season.

This faraway place had been a refuge to which he and his family could go to escape the din of work and life. It had served its purpose, but now the cold was coming. A camper would be no place of refuge during the winter months, after all. It was not built for that sort of thing. No, pink fluid would now fill the pipes to ensure proper storage, the electrical lines and water hoses disconnected, all the extra accessories put safely away, and the awning rolled up.

And so he traveled. It was a difficult journey, through the Land of Road Construction, and a little-known oasis that needed to be used for personal purposes and the acquisition of a Salted Nut Roll and Water. But despite the hardship and obstacles, there would be no failure. No denying him of his responsibility. And so he persevered, and after nearly 3 long hours, he arrived at his ultimate destination, where…

“That can’t be good,” he lamented, as he secured the parking brake on the small slope in front of the camper.

Where there was once an awning was.. nothing? No, not nothing. Just not a secured awning.

It was readily apparent that a strong storm or wind had demonstrated its dominance over the metal arms and canvass structure of what used to be an awning. Twisted and broken metal lay in the wake of the remains, while the awning itself had been blow to the roof of the structure.

Anyway, that’s my long-winded way of saying “My freakin’ awning was torn apart on my camper.” It sucks. The metal arm smashed in the plastic vent-cover on the top, so I spent the next hour driving back in and getting the materials I needed to cover that up.

Thankfully, we had insurance, and it looks like it will get settled, but it’s really a pain to have to deal with.

A lesson to you campers – putting your awning all the way down, but not rolling it up may be fine and dandy 95% of the time, but I’m here as a witness to tell you that it ain’t foolproof. The right wind at the right speed from the right sirection will still take that thing and toss it over like it’s a kite.

Just one camper’s experience. Roll up your awning.

Muskie Fishing in October

I took a couple days off work last week. Task #1 was to fish all day in 45 degree weather, trying to land a Muskie. This isn’t what I was going to write about, but this just tells you how much I plan ahead when I decide to ramble on with this personal stuff.

So, a friend of mine whom we’ll call Jeff had called me up twice within the last week talking about the 28-inch Walleye and the 30-inch Walleye he’d hauled out of the river. (He ate them. No Mercury poisoning there…)

His stories were good. You know, the kind that makes one start thinking “Hey, I wanna go catch me one of them there Walleyes too!” And then my boss had gone out on the river last Tuesday and he and the guy he went out on the boat with caught 2 Muskies, and had 6 other trailers (ones that follow but don’t take the bait – but they usually come up to the boat and check it out before darting off, so it’s still cool). So, I ask my boss where they landed them, and in what water depth. The answer was that they found them near dams or rocks, or other places where water came to a semi-stop and was shallower (5 feet and below).

So I passed this information on to my friend, who promptly decided to troll all day right down the middle of the river in 15-feet of water. Hey, it was his boat and his equipment (mine was up north). As one might predict, when one guy is landing a certain kind of fish in a certain kind of area, and then you decide to fish in areas with none of those characteristics, you’re not exactly increasing your odds.

I thought I’d present a picture of all the huge fish we caught. Here it is:

In case you’re wondering if I forgot to upload the picture, fear not. There is no picture to upload.

Oh well. It was still better than work.

I did catch a 12-inch crappie. We finally got so desparate to catch something that we stuck some worms on a jig until one of us actually caught something. Then we went back to trolling for nothing.

That’s probably it for me until spring. I don’t do the ice-fishing thing. Give me a warm couch and a football game.

Packers Fans – Take the Emotion out of the Favre Saga and Think for a Moment

Originally posted on http://digital diatribes.wordpress.com on July 11, 2008.

We interrupt the global temperatures to address a critical and continually developing process entitled “The retirement of Favre’s retirement.”

To those of you who have been living in a cave, away from the sports pages, the last week has created a bit of a stir with regard to Favre. The icon has apparently officially asked for his release from Green Bay. This is the culmination (so far) of a week full of rumors about Favre wanting to come back to Green Bay, which were escalations of earlier statements by him that made it sound like he’d possibly be interested in returning to the Pack in the event that Rodgers would get injured.

Now, word has it that the Packers’ Mike McCarthy and Ted Thompson did not react with wild enthusiasm at his request to unretire and rejoin the team. Thus the letter asking for his release.

This letter in no way obligates the Packers to do anything. But one can imagine that if they do not comply reasonably soon, then Favre will take the next step and officially unretire, which will force the team to either release him, trade him, or keep him. Favre has apparently asked to be released because he wants the flexibility to choose where to go, and has said that he does not want to be traded for that reason.

Unfortunately, some of the commentary is starting to turn negative. Instead of taking responsibility for the fact that he made a decision he is regretting, he is placing at least some of the blame on the Packers, who he is saying pressured him into a decision.

Emotions run high on this. We Packer fans love Brett and all he has done for the Packers. There is nobody I know who wants to see Favre play for any other team. Ever.

But let’s all take a deep breath and think about the situation, and what this all means. There are a number of things we Packers fans need to consider with reason, and not emotion:

1) Favre is the one who ultimately decided to retire. He’s a grown man. He should not be blaming the organization for desiring a quick decision. He has all year to weigh this decision. It is entirely reasonable for McCarthy and Thompson to want to know as quickly as possible what his plans are, so they can prepare for the draft and next season knowing who their QB is going to be, and how many holes need to be filled.

2) Let’s give credit where due. Favre had a wonderful year. But the team built around him has been the work of Thompson and McCarthy. I believe much of Favre’s success last year can be attributed to McCarthy. That takes nothing away from Favre – he still has to execute it. I guess what I’m saying is, Thompson and McCarthy will not be grinding an axe of any sort with their ultimate decision. They will be doing what they feel is best for this team for both the short and long term.

3) There is a real issue with Favre disrupting things right now. The Packers spent two draft choices on quarterbacks. They have likely spent a great deal of time adjusting the offense to accommodate Rodgers’ strengths. The psyche of the team has been such that they have been preparing for Rodgers to be the starter. It simply seems unreasonable to bring Favre back to the team. I say this as a person who very much wanted Favre to return and was sad that he retired. But once he retired, it completely changed the equation.

4) Let’s not forget about the importance of the future situation with Rodgers. The Packers really need to know whether or not he is worthy of consideration as the long-term starter. Taking this year from Rodgers not only hurts him, but it potentially hurts the long-term prospect of the team. This was true before Favre retired, but even more true now. If he continually feels like he is being jerked around, it presents a major problem for him not only from a preparation standpoint, but also from the standpoint of his desire to even play in Green Bay.

5) Trade possibilities: I think most of us need to come to grips with the fact that a trade is entirely possible, and it is probably the right business decision to make if Favre decides to press the issue. But how will Packers fans feel about a trade to Minnesota or Chicago? Many will emotionally overreact to this, should it happen. In fact, I agree, in principle, that this would be a horrible thing to do. However, suppose one of those teams makes an unreasonably ridiculous offer, such as two first-round draft choices? As much as I’d hate to see Favre in a Bears uniform, sign me up for the squad of people laughing at Chicago or Minnesota for thinking Favre is worthy of two first-rounders. This is entirely conjecture, and I don’t know where the tipping point is, but all I’m saying is let’s look at the actual deal before knee-jerk lambasting Thompson for such a move.

6) If the Packers determined that it was too big a risk to release Favre, they could actually absorb his cap number, as high as it is, and make him the backup. Favre would probably raise a stink with this and it may be too large a distraction, but they could do it. And quite honestly, it might be the right thing to do. Suppose Rodgers sucks? Suppose he gets injured? Suppose the only logical destination in Free Agency is Chicago or Minnesota? Why just release him? It may not be the wisest move on an economical basis, but weighing everything involved, it may be the best thing, particularly if they can get Favre to agree to be a team player about it.

7) If there is an outright release, fans just need to realize that Thompson and McCarthy assessed the situation and made the difficult decision that it was time to move forward, and eliminate all potential distractions. This will be difficult to accept, but it must be accepted. These guys are not relishing this situation.

This is a situation where there is no perfect resolution, given the condition that Favre actually is adamant that he wants to return. There just isn’t. And, as much as it pains me to say it, this is Favre’s doing. We love him, but this has really brought him down a notch on the endearment meter. In my opinion, Favre should take the year off no matter what he’s feeling, but stay in shape. Let the Packers know that, should Rodgers get injured, he is available. But leave it at that. Stay out of the way.

This has become a mess. It is very unfortunate.

UPDATE 1: The Green Bay Packers, and in particular Ted Thompson (GM) and Mike McCarthy (Head Coach), have understandably been somewhat muted in their response to all of this hullabaloo. However, they did release this statement, where they not only say that they will not release Favre, but that they welcome him back to the club in a different role. This is a gutsy call by the Packers brass, and they had to know that it would evoke strong emotion from many of the Packers faithful. Again, I call upon thinking and reasonable people to understand that this is complicated, and as much as many want to make it sound like a simple “who gives us the best chance to win now?” issue, it really is not as simple as that.

UPDATE 2: People, you are not taking my advice. Let’s let this play out. This story demonstrates to me that about 100 people simply have nothing better to do with their time, which is not a positive statement about their lives. But it’s nothing new. Overly emotional fans always seem to think that they really know what’s in the best interest of the team more than the coaches and GM. But I think history shows that the most successful teams are those willing to make tough decisions and not necessarily popular ones.

Don’t get me wrong, it may sound as if I’m calling for them to cut ties with Favre. I’m neither doing that nor am I clamoring for him to stay. All I’m saying is that they are in the best position to assess things. I can guarantee that 95% of these protestors had major issues with Thompson last year for not going out and getting a Running Back and/or Wide Receiver. I absolutely guarantee it. By the end of the year, we had an impact 1000 yard back and the deepest set of receivers in the league, and we were an overtime away from the Super Bowl.

Stop with the protesting already. We don’t even know what’s all really going on. You just look like idiots.

My Favorite Memories of Brett Favre

Originally posted on http://digitaldiatribes.wordpress.com on March 4, 2008 before he unretired.

This is not a post that delves into the greatest moments of Brett Favre. This is a post that is just me sitting here, pulling moments from my brain. Many are great moments, many are just the little things that make Favre’s tenure in the NFL so darned memorable. There will be many that I forget. Please add a comment with your own favorite memories. Before I do this exercise, let me just say that I am more emotional about his retirement than I thought I’d be. No, not sobbing… just sentimental. I feel priveleged to have watched him play all these years. Thank you, Brett, for those memories. And here they are:

His number… #4

First completed pass – to himself, against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, during relief of Don Majkowski in a blowout loss (I remember lamenting to my wife during this game, as the Packers were headed to 0-2 under first-year coach Mike Holmgren, “All I want is to see the Packers have a good team in my lifetime.”

First game-winning drive, against the Cincinnati Bengals, the very next game. With just over a minute to go from 87 yards away, a long sideline completion to Sterling Sharpe, and the capper, a 27 yard TD to Kittrick Taylor. (If my numbers aren’t perfect, it’s because I’m doing this from memory)

His one and only Lambeau Leap. There’s a reason there was only one.

What I Did on my Summer Vacation, Part Two

Originally posted on http://digitaldiatribes.wordpress.com on August 2, 2007.

Last year was our first foray into “real” gardening.  Oh, we had a small garden the past few years and had tried various things.  It was good for what it was – a way to be able to munch on some fresh veggies and tomatoes during the summer.  But we had never really taken the step into canning/freezing/preserving before.  Well, last year, we dove in head first and created a lot of work for ourselves that we had never created before.  But we very much enjoyed it and learned a lot.   And so, we do it again this year.

 The deal is, we do not have the kind of soil we need, nor do we have a good spot on our land for a garden.  But my dear old dad lives an hour away.  Dad has farmed all his life and retired a few years ago, but he still works harder than I do.  He wants and needs things to do.  Thus, he plowed up a huge garden area in a field he had pastured for 20 years, and offered to tend it for us.  We do the planting and the harvesting, and much of the weeding, but he makes sure it is watered, and does his best to keep a lid on potato bugs or other plant-destroying insects.  We want this as organic as possible, so it limits his options.  Thankfully, he’s been a trooper and his help has allowed us to have a wonderful garden.  The downside is that it is an hour away, so we can’t just peck away at things on a daily basis.

Well, this May we got things rolling with a large number of herbs.   We are experimenting with strawberry plants, but they won’t produce until next year, as far as we understand.   The following was planted, and probably more that I’m not thinking of: Corn, Potatoes, Tomatoes (cherry and full), White Cabbage, Red Cabbage, Broccoli, Cauliflower, a variety of herbs, Carrots, Green Beans, Yellow Beans, parsnips, Beets, Onions, Peas, Cucumbers (pickling and slicing), Zuccini, Summer Squash, Butternut Squash, two varieties of watermelon, Cateloupe, pie pumpkins, two kinds of leaf lettuce, Sunflowers, peppers and I’m probably forgetting something(s).

June was spent weeding and making sure everything was doing OK.   In the last couple weeks, we’ve started harvesting.  We’ve already taken care of shredding a number of zuccini and freezing that.  We’ve canned a bunch of the summer squash for stir-fry.  We’ve frozen a lot of broccoli and cauliflower.  The broccoli keeps on producing, much to my surprise.   We have already canned 14 quarts of beans, and we will likely end up canning 100 quarts by the time it’s all done.   We’ve started harvesting carrots for eating raw, and the peas are in full force.   We’re experimenting with trying to make sauerkraut this year with the cabbage.   Beets are taken care of already as well.  Cucumbers are now starting to produce as well.  We’ll be ready for our first watermelon next week, it appears.  We’ve started digging potatoes.

We have to head over every 4 days or so during this period, so it keeps us really busy.  But we very much enjoy having these raw, healthy, homegrown food for the summer, and then it’s great having a store of veggies both canned and frozen for the rest of the year.  The potatoes last into the following spring, and they are a real treat.

On top of this whole thing, we order boxes of cherries, blueberries, peaches, and apples as well and make our own sauces, jams, pie fillings, etc. and can or freeze those things.  

I feel like Mister Wilderness or something!   I’ve really learned a ton over the last couple years and hope to keep learning.  We continue to invest in things to make the job a bit easier and more efficient, as well as the jars and canning supplies.  But I believe it’s worth it.

 Besides, we need to put our kids to work, anyway.  This is a great way to get them doing some work.

I’m sure I will keep you posted on harvest results!

What I Did on my Summer Vacation, Part One

Originally posted on http://digitaldiatribes.wordpress.com on August 1, 2007.

Since I am no longer a small lad, nor am I employed as a teacher, I don’t actually get summer vacation.  And while there are few things less heartening than sitting behind a computer crunching numbers while the weather outside is warm and sunny, it is still a comforting thought to know that there will be warmth and green and all that stuff waiting for you at the end of the day after months of cold weather.  Thus, summer feels like a vacation of sorts, even when it isn’t.

Around here, the thaw begins in March, and in earnest it picks up during April.  I start to consider the month of May my summer vacation, although there can still be wide fluctuations in the temps even during that month.  However, by that time we can feel fairly assured that the snow is, in fact, gone for good.  This is not the case just a couple hours north of us, where the snow can hang around a bit longer, but here in Central Wisconsin we have it much better than those northerners!

It is the first full weekend of May when we are able to trek up to that northland and hope that the camper is ready to open.  Of course, we keep a watchful eye on the weather to ensure that this is the case before hopping in the van and finding weather unfit for camping (particularly for the young ‘uns.)  This year, we went on that annual pilgrimage the weekend following Mother’s Day, which was the weekend before Memorial Day.  Goal number one of this mission was to get the camper ready for the summer.  Goal number two was to make sure our kids didn’t kill themselves doing something stupid while we were busy getting the camper ready for the summer.  Goal number three was to try and enjoy ourselves a little bit.

This weekend was a typical example of what can happen in the northwoods in May.  That Friday was beautiful, but a little cool.  We spent the afternoon cleaning and organizing and making sure everything worked.   As it turned out, the Water Heater did not work properly, but I was later able to fix it on my own with a simple can of compressed air.  (The electric spark thingamajig was bridged with carbon)   We set up the water with a new filter, got the septic all set, vacuumed, and did all this while ingeniously penning the 8 month old into a makeshift area that enabled us to work without worry.  This year we invested in a mat for the front of the camper, which was way too expensive, but nonetheless worth it.

The next day, then, we were able to hunt down a few supplies and enjoy some gorgeous and warm weather.  There was some fishing to be done, some eating, and enjoying the peace and quiet.  And then it happened…  a 20 degree drop in temperature in the course of one hour.  I’m not joking.   I was wearing shorts and a T-shirt, and the drop occurred so rapidly that I didn’t really realize what had happened.  All I knew was that I was suddenly freezing my buttocks off.  

We knew that this would stick around through the next day, so we made the split decision to head home that evening.  It’s a two and a half hour drive south for us, and when we returned home, the weather was in the 80s.  Weird stuff happens here.

 And so, the story of the camper set-up is complete.  Next I’ll post about our exciting garden planting.  I’ll bet you can’t wait for that one.

Whether it’s Camping or not, it’s for the Kids

Originally posted on http://digitaldiatribes.wordpress.com on June 26, 2007.

We have a 32 foot camper parked on a lake up in northern Wisconsin.  This last weekend, my Father-in-Law and Mother-in-Law joined us up at the grounds with their two grand-daughters (those would be the cousins to our kids for those of you who have trouble with those kinds of things).  In addition, Wendy’s brother and sister-in-law also made the trip up with their two kids.   Throw in our six kids and you have yourselves a whirlwind of non-stop activity.  And noise.

 

But, the kids love it.  And we all must remind ourselves of this fact when we are cooking and cleaning and changing diapers and wet clothes (only to see the dry clothes become dirty or wet again) and screaming and getting too close to the fire and wanting to fish and just being kids.  There is a four word mantra that we adults must repeat a few times throughout these weekends:  “It’s for the kids.”

 

Ah, yes.  Camping.  OK, my Father-in-Law broke down and actually bought a pop-up camper before the trip.  (My Mother-in-Law wanted nothing to do with tent camping.)   His issue is that this isn’t really camping.

 

So, let’s make one thing perfectly clear.  I don’t wish to argue about whether or not we are camping or not.  We are heading up north to swim, fish, eat somores, sit around a campfire, and relax.  If that’s not camping because I can actually sleep in a bed in a camper, then fine.  Call it “going up to our camper” if you wish.   But if you think that we should be “roughing it” in a tent with six kids ages 11 and under, I would basically laugh at you and call you insane.  It simply would never happen, anyway, so this gets us up there and gets the kids enjoying the outside.

 

So, anyway, this all came about because 3 years ago I happened to just mention to my boss that Wendy and I casually keep an eye out for campers because it’s one of those things we’d eventually like to get (because tent camping is insane with all the kids).  As it so happened, his mom was selling their old camper and he was selling the truck we’d need to pull the camper.  To make a long story short, we ended up taking advantage of a great deal and purchased it.

 

The next thing to do was find a place to park it.  I did not want to haul that thing around to different campsites throughout the summer.  I wanted to find a permanent spot in a private campground.  We were very disappointed with many/most of the ones we stopped at.  We wanted a regular campground.  We didn’t want a petting zoo, a public pool, a playground, and all that stuff.  We also didn’t want to be crammed into a spot surrounded by a gazillion other campers.  We were quite disappointed after our first few stops.  We did find a couple of opportunities that were OK, but nothing all that great.

 

Finally, we stumbled across a place on the Wisconsin/Michigan border.  It’s a small, privately-owned campground that is pretty much for camping, fishing, and swimming.  The surrounding area has hiking paths and bike paths, as well.  We felt fortunate enough to find this place, and we’ve called it “home” for three years now.

 

These are special times.  I am hopeful that the kids grow up with many fond memories of their time spent there.  They enjoy fishing, especially Sweettooth.  The boys, I’m sure, will take to it more as they get older.

 

Prior to getting the camper, I’d never driven a boat, let alone owned one.  I didn’t really fish, either.  I have found that I immensely enjoy fishing and boating.  I am learning as I go along, and trying to pass on what little wisdom I have to the kids.

Wendy and I have managed to “get away” without the kids a couple times, and this gives us a nice place to go.  It’s a great getaway.  We’ve even spent the occasional evening or two solo up at the camper for some short periods of contemplation.

But, in the end, we know that when you take six kids camping, it is not a relaxing weekend.   But these are special times.  I am hopeful that the kids grow up with many fond memories of their time spent there.  They enjoy fishing, especially Sweettooth.  The boys, I’m sure, will take to it more as they get older.

 

It’s for the kids.

How NOT to Remove a Wood Tick

Originally posted on http://digitaldiatribes.wordpress.com on May 31, 2007.  By far my most popular post.

I am about to write a post that proves that a pair of college graduates – one of whom took his share of Chemistry, Physics, and other courses on the way to becoming an actuary – can do something so stupid that any reasonable person would ask “What were you thinking?” Believe me, if someone else had done it, I would be calling the other person an idiot. And therefore, for consistency’s sake, let me be the first to say to myself, “You are an idiot.”

With that out of the way, allow me to tell the true story of last Sunday evening. We had all had a long couple of days. Prayer time was finished and it was time for the tykes to get into bed. And then, the fateful words were uttered: “<Outburst> has a wood tick in his head!”

Well, I have lived with ticks all my life, and it was not time to panic now. And so, my wife and I casually observed said wood tick. Sure enough, there it was, sucking the blood out of my eldest son’s head. Deep down, I was hoping it would suck out some of the thoughts that enter the kid’s brain from time to time, but I knew that was fantasy. I had to take care of the immediate problem at hand.

Well, my wife is generally proficient with the tweezers. Be it a sliver or a tick, when the tweezers come out, the kids scatter. But in the end, they are unable to escape the fate that belies them, and after a few screams along the lines of “You’re killing me!” my wife triumphantly raises the tweezers with the enemy foreign object, and screams her battle cry, “Oh, it wasn’t that bad!”

But this night would be different. The tick was in deep, and it had strategically burrowed itself in among numerous hair follicles. I believe the tick knew that this would cause immense pain to its victim, when the victim’s mother would accidentally latch onto the surrounding follicles while trying to pull out the tick. In any case, the tweezers on this night were not doing the job.

It was time to explore the old wives tales.

My wife’s first suggestion was to light a match and hold it up to the tick. Apparently, the theory is that the tick is smart enough to feel the heat and try to escape by backing out. Now, we’re talking about an animal that burrows a hole into other living things, sucks blood until it’s so big it has to let go, and once it falls off it can’t move anywhere and lays around until it’s either crushed or eaten. Survival instinct just doesn’t appear to be high on the priority list.

I balked at the match idea, considering the fact that I would be holding a lit match near the head of my six year old son, who would most likely be diagnosed with ADHD if we ever concerned ourself with actually getting him looked at.

Instead, I moved onto the next brilliant wives tale. If you hold a bottle of alcohol over the tick, it will back out. I’ve been told it’s because it can’t breathe and the alcohol bothers them. Well, the first mistake was thinking that this kid would actually sit there and let me hold the bottle tight enough so it wouldn’t leak all over the place. After two minutes of hearing “You’re hurting me!” with a lot of corollary movement and rubbing alcohol having been sent flying everywhere, it was decided that this technique probably wouldn’t work anyway, but certainly wouldn’t work in our case.

Crying and doused in alchol, with wood-tick still engorged, the son is losing faith in his parents’ tick-fighting prowess.

All of our kids are witnessing this activity, save the four year old who fell asleep during prayer time, like he always does.

Now, here’s where the story gets ridiculous. And you will see it coming, and you’ll think, “Um… DUH!” or some variant thereof. As embarrassing as it is, I must go on.

My wife, frustrated at the stupidity in thinking this whole rubbing alcohol approach had any chance of working, and mad at herself for allowing me to talk her into the idea, says to me, “This is not working at all. Let’s try the match thing.” As a loving husband who wishes to please my wife, and desires to see my son tick-free, I eschew all sense of reason and all knowledge of all things science, and how one thing reacts with another, and I answer “Alright. Give me a match.”

Now, there was probably 10 seconds or so from the time I declared those words to the time that the lit match was approaching the tick. That should be enough time for someone who took two semesters of Organic Chemistry to remember that rubbing alcohol and fire are a great combination if you want to set your house on fire. They are not so great a combination if your desire is to not set your child on fire.

Unfortunately, all we could think of was getting that tick out. It blocked all other thoughts that were attempting to leap from synapse to synapse in a frenzy, attempting to pull back my hand and say “You fool! Don’t do this!” But they were too late. The match approached the tick. And then…

Poof! The entire back of my son’s head was in flames. Now, let me be clear here… within two seconds we had that flame out and it all happened so quick that there were no burns. But man, he freaked out – and rightly so. Screaming at the top of his lungs, he dove to the ground. The other kids also freaked. I lost track of my two daughters until they came charging towards Outburst and doused him with water, which only freaked him out more. We yelled “What are you doing?” and they’re all like “He was on fire!”

Meanwhile, the tick was still enjoying its meal.

In the end, I called a nurse’s line, and explained about the tick and asked how best to get it out. I, um, forgot to relay the part about dousing my kid with rubbing alcohol and setting him on fire. Oops.

Anyway, she basically said you can forget about all these old wives tales. Just pull the thing out and hope for the best. Well, we did, and the head stayed behind. So, now we keep an eye on it and if we are unable to dig it out after the swelling goes down a bit, we’ll have to take him in and get it removed so it doesn’t get infected. It’s possible it will work out on its own, but we’ve heard that they often don’t. Yay. Unfortunately, we were unable to get it out without squeezing the body of it, which means some blood probably squirted into the wound. Now we have to watch for any indication of Lyme’s disease, as well, and get him treated if symptoms occur.

So let this be a lesson to you all. Not that you needed it, but never underestimate the stupid things you can do if the situation is just right. I’m still whacking myself in the head and asking how I could possibly have done such a stupid thing.

I guess it’s clear… I’m an idiot.

UPDATE 5/27/2008: Not long ago, we ordered the “Tick Twister.” It has mainly been used on the family dog, but it has also been used on the kids. I must say, it has worked very well, and compared to the number of harrowing encounters using tweezers or fingernails, it is a LOT better. I have no stake in their product, just passing along our positive experience with it – so far at least. I checked Petco and our vet’s office, but couldn’t find it around here, so we had to pay way too much ($9 versus $4) after shipping from Amazon. While I hate overpaying for things, it was worth it. If I do find any drawbacks, I’ll post them. As for concerns about leaving the head behind, well we’ve left more heads behind with a tweezers than we have the Tick Twister.